How Do I Own Something I Don’t Feel?
I don’t feel privileged – life often feels a real struggle. I don’t believe I’m racist – I hold equality as a strong value. Yet, when I listen and reflect on local and global stories of racism, I recognise that I am privileged and that I often fail to act against racism. Without my mind or body consciously registering and reminding me of this privilege, how do I stay connected and committed to a position of anti-racism?
I am privileged because I have not needed my own narrative around race – I don’t have a strong personal identity or context in which whiteness plays a part (beyond skin that burns in seconds and the stereotype of being a white girl who loves 90’s RnB). I have a narrative around gender – because I experience what it is to be “other and less than” compared to men. I have a narrative around physical ability – because I experience what it is to be “other and less than” compared to those with healthy bodies they can rely on. I have no narrative for being white though. That’s because I’m in the privileged position that my colour has never bought into question my worth or my value.
Although I didn’t appreciate it as a child, I have been influenced and unconsciously empowered through growing-up surrounded by images and narratives (through TV, books, school and my local community) that told me I could achieve, I was worthy, and that people who looked like me could make choices about their future. Dr Robin DiAngelo describes the impact of this beautifully when she talks about the implicit message that comes with this: there is no loss if my life is only influenced by white individuals. This then further unconsciously translates that there is no added value of diversity and that only white perspectives matter. That is racism. I don’t consciously identify with that view – I don’t believe my parents did either – yet I can appreciate that the lack of seeking out opportunities to learn from or about Black and Asian lives inadvertently gave that message.
Being white and engaging in conversations around race is associated with shame and discomfort. It brings up ideas of oppressors, cruelty and complete disregard for the value of all humanity. These aren’t ideas that I can in anyway connect to – yet I must. I will never understand or identify with an ancestry that discriminated against people based on the colour of their skin. I don’t need to own that. I do need to own that I have benefited from a world that has been absolutely shaped by this history though: I am privileged because of the horrific mentality and behaviours of white people in the past.
It was a People Soup podcast, that allowed me to curiously connect with the possibility that I am not as anti-racist as I might think. In this podcast, Sarah Bonner talks about her research on the experiences of black women in the creative industry. Within this study she found that these women experienced racism in the workplace from white women – women potentially just like me? Something within Sarah’s description of her research allowed me to realise that I, as a white woman, can be to black women what a man can be to me when I experience infuriating, disempowering and normally unconscious sexism. I genuinely don’t believe that most men are actively sexist – I do believe that they don’t always register the privilege, safety and power that comes with their position or how they are influenced by their unconscious biases though. Therefore, there is a strong possibility that I can do the same with race. That’s not a place I want to be – so how do I commit to challenging this within myself and others?
As much as I value equality and diversity on a personal level, this is not the reality of the world we live in and I have a role in noticing this, naming this and challenging this. We can all take actions towards being anti-racist. This can include protesting, donating, talking, questioning our own and others’ assumptions, reading and listening. Resources for white allies are increasing (some ideas here and here). I do not take an anti-racist stance from a position of guilt because I happened to be born white. I do this from a position of gratitude that my voice has power, from a position of courage that I can show-up for difficult conversations and move forward when I make mistakes, and a position of love and hope for a future where equality and compassion are the lived experiences for all.
More than in response to any of my other blogs, if you connect with these ideas, please start having these difficult conversations with people around you – find those friends and colleagues where it is safe to start building shared languages and narratives around race. Listen to and read the links I’ve included here. Make the implicit explicit. Make the unjustified shameful tolerable and therefore open to discussion. Make the justified shameful accountable. Own it and act on it.