No … But..., Yes … But …, let’s try *And* Not *But*

Our minds are incredible. One example of this, is that in any moment, my mind can give me multiple ways in which the situation I am in could be different: how it could be better, how I could be better, what I should have done to be somewhere better etc. etc. This information is often painful, stressful and exhausting. It can also fill our mind so that it feels hard to make wise (or just any) decisions.

Once these thoughts or images arrive in our awareness, our bodies start responding as though these fantasies are real and we can start feeling tense, anxious and stressed. This then tells our mind that maybe there is something to be worried about, so it works even harder to try and predict all the possible threats around us (e.g. how we’ve failed or might fail). This then further impacts our ability to stay present and respond to the reality around us (not the one our mind is creating).

How can we reduce the impact of this process? One strategy is to try and replace the ‘buts’ our minds give us with ’ands’: if we can say ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ it increases our ability to respond to a situation with flexibility. It sounds odd, and (not but) it can be really effective.

Here’s an example: within any relationship there are times when another person upsets, frustrates or disappoints us: that’s part of being human and being connected with someone we care about. When this happens, our minds might say:

“I love her, but I hate it when she checks her phone during dinner”.

This doesn’t give us much flexibility: it’s an ‘either – or’ sentence. This suggests that whenever this person does that behaviour, we can’t love them or that the other person must somehow change for us to continue loving them. Is that really what we’re saying? If our minds do believe that loving someone is only possible if this behaviour stops, then we’ll also be on high alert for all the times this person does the thing we hate. This then builds further anger, frustration and distance from that person.

What happens if we change the ‘but’ to an ‘and’:

“I love her, and I hate it when she checks her phone during dinner”.

This sentence is hopefully more accurate: both parts of the statement are true. Turning this ‘either – or’ idea into a ‘both – and’ statement allows us still to have a relationship with this person (even when they do the thing we hate). It gives us the flexibility to: (a) ask the person if they can change the behaviour, (b) accept the behaviour or (c) no longer eat dinner with this person (which is probably not the preferred option if the first half of the statement is true). We still might find the behaviour annoying, but our mind isn’t pulled into doubting love for someone based on one behaviour.

The same idea can be used for many situations:

Work:

I need a job, but this job makes me miserable.

(we feel stuck and frustrated)

———

I need a job and this job makes me miserable.

(this accepts that we need an income and makes space to think about whether it’s time to start looking for something else)

Engaging in Exercise:

I want to do more exercise, but I never find the time.

(this suggests we’ll never find time and that it would be pointless to try)

———

I want to do more exercise and I never find the time.

(this puts the “never finding time” in the past and gives the option that things could be different in the future).

Shopping:

I want a new car, but I can’t afford it.

(which leave us feeling sad and grumpy and suggests we’ll never be able to afford one)

———

I want a new car and I can’t afford it.

(this accepts the current reality and gives the option of deciding to save money in the future if having a car is really important)

It’s important to listen to our minds. Sometimes these … but … statements are telling us that we need to make a change (e.g. leave a situation). Such examples might be physical or emotional abuse within a relationship or a job where we’re feeling bullied. If you change a statements from … but … to … and … and the second part is not something you are willing to tolerate (e.g. “I love her and I don’t want to be treated this way” or “I need a job and this job is ruining my self-esteem”) then think about making a change: it might be tough and it’s probably worth the effort of finding a safe get-out plan.

So, I’d invite you to try noticing when your mind gives you a … but … statement and see if you can repeat this back to yourself as an … and … statement. Noticing these ‘buts’ can be hard, as they seem to just flow out our minds automatically. Once I’ve noticed a ‘but’ though, I find this simple change to an ‘and’ can allow me to feel calmer and more able to think about the reality of the options I have. It’s this flexibility that permits me to notice when my mind is being pulled by some hypothetical fantasy, to bring myself back to the present and to keep trying to be the best version of me I can by making the wisest choices...